


Bloody, but Unbowed

by maharieel



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, I'm Sorry, Major Character Injury, Post-War, background edi/joker, lots of mentions of death, really really angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-20 01:06:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10651800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maharieel/pseuds/maharieel
Summary: Corpses haunt Kaidan at every turn, even once the war is won.(or: a post-war study in surviving)





	Bloody, but Unbowed

**Author's Note:**

> for the prompt: returned from the dead kiss

They had spent at least a fortnight stuck on the planet and while most people wouldn’t have complained about being deserted on a planet rich with vegetation, beaches and views, it had only made Kaidan want to be sick. Every inch of the place had screamed Virmire to him (maybe it was Virmire and they just hadn’t realised, the stench of death haunting his every step), and whenever _that_ place came to mind all he thought about was Ash’s body, nothing but a burnt crisp of bones and torn flesh.

He hadn’t been in the mood to be reminded of her death, not when he had already been consumed by so much grief.

Joker and Kaidan had spent most of their sparse free time from attempting to fix the ship sitting in the cockpit, drinking. A heavy silence had often enveloped them, the rest of the crew willing to give them their space. Kaidan had found himself crying in her quarters every second night despite himself. One look at Joker had told him the pilot wasn’t dealing any better, two lives weighing heavy on his shoulders instead of one, and Kaidan honestly hadn’t been sure how the man still managed to get out of bed every morning. Kaidan had forced himself to, though, because even if he drunk himself into a stupor every afternoon and sobbed into her pillow every night, he had still been the acting CO, and ~~her~~ his crew had needed him, not that any of them had been dealing any better.

Garrus had spent every moment in the CIC trying to get through on the comms, the fist-shaped dents in the station not going unnoticed; Tali had hardly ever left engineering, desperate to get the engines functioning at full capacity, or at least enough to get them past the atmosphere and _away_ ; Vega and Cortez had spent a lot of their time scrounging around the planet for resources, long shuttle rides a good way to distract themselves; Chakwas had floated around the ship checking in on everyone, all of them sporting injuries from the final push and none of them willing to come forward with them; and Liara had hardly ever been seen without a datapad in hand as she reached out to what was left of her crumbling organisation in a desperate plea for help or news or _anything_. They had become a ship of ghosts, dead men walking, the only sounds coming from sparse comm chatter or the groan of machinery and Kaidan had wanted nothing but to leave the forsaken place.

He had wanted nothing more than to know if his grief was misplaced, or if he was right to mourn her; if the tear-stains on her pillow were warranted, if the empty bottles were warranted, if the shattered state of his heart was _warranted_. Kaidan just wanted to _know_.

All things considered, Kaidan should have been good at the whole grief thing. He’d watched her die once already, was surrounded by death on a daily basis: it shouldn’t have been affecting him so much. And yet whenever someone mentioned her name or did something to remind him of her, a wave of nostalgic pain slammed into him and he’d have to excuse himself for a moment. The first time was unexpected and horrible and instantaneous. This time, it would be the waiting and uncertainty that broke him

Weeks later, enough of the Normandy’s systems were operational that Tali and Adams were sure they could get her airborne, and at least into orbit. FTL was another thing entirely, the question of whether the relays were even still functional hanging over them, but Kaidan hadn’t hesitated to give them the all-clear. Two hours later, the planet was behind them, the poltergeist of Ashley Williams left behind in the backburn.

It was another two days before they came in radio contact with anyone, another twelve hours before news of Earth and the Reapers started to trickle through the ship, and another two weeks of cumbersome space travel before they eventually hit the Sol System. The entire galaxy was a fucking mess, burning planets passing them by at every turn, but Kaidan kept his dry eyes forward, determined to get the crew home.

That night, Kaidan stumbled into the medbay with a migraine, only to spy Joker sitting in the AI core beside Edi’s body. Chakwas gave him his meds with a thin smile and offered to let him stay, but he conjured up the same, well-worn excuse (“The core’s humming just makes it worse”) despite the fact that nothing had come out of the core in weeks. Joker lifted his head with a look halfway between pain and anger at that, threw a glare at Kaidan’s withering form, and closed the door. Kaidan promptly left, content to sit in the cockpit and watch the remnants of the galaxy float by like a charred corpse.

Liara joined him after an hour or so, eyes bruised where the light caught them. She offered him a cup of coffee. “Migraine?”

He hummed in reply, eyes lost in the swirling colours of the coffee gripped in his hands.

There was a long moment of silence between them before Liara spoke again. “I’ve been reaching out to what’s left of my agents, but I haven’t heard anything. Just thought you’d like to know.”

“Thanks, Liara,” Kaidan said with a sigh, the seed of hope shrivelling as quickly as it had arisen.

“No news is good news, right?”

Kaidan turned to her, the smallest smile creeping in at the corner of his lips. “Yeah, guess so.”

“Have a good night, Kaidan.”

The next morning, Kaidan was startled awake by Garrus shouting at him over the comms. His head was already pulsing with the promise of a migraine in the not-so-distant future, but he pushed past it as he threw on his civvies and all but ran to the CIC. The galaxy map was glowing oddly as he pushed himself from the lift, and the second his boots hit the ground, Traynor turned to him with wide eyes from her station.

Her eyes roved over his dishevelled state. “Major, there’s an incoming transmission from Earth.”

Something in Kaidan’s chest twisted painfully. “Earth? From who?”

“Admiral Hackett.”

He was moving long before he had time to process what had just been said, the meeting and war room’s a blur of empty space as he all but ran to the transmitter. Garrus was blocking the entrance, shoulders stiff. A shift of purple fabric in the distance turned out to be Tali crouched on the floor, fingers flying over controls as she tried to clear the incoming message up (a job for Edi once, but all that remained of the AI was a crumpled mess of parts).

Kaidan moved to stand beside Garrus just as the holographic image of Hackett appeared before him. It was shifting and consumed by static, but Tali had managed to at least make the audio bearable.

The salute came without thinking. “Sir.”

“Major Alenko, hell is it good to see you,” the Admiral said, arms crossed tightly across his chest. “How’s the Normandy?”

Kaidan fought against his impatience. _Let him speak first._ “Managing, sir.”

“Good to hear. The crucible did some serious damage to our systems and most of the cluster is in ruins, so communications have been . . . a hassle, to say the least. We could do with some good news, after all the shit that we’ve been dredging through lately.”

Garrus was fidgeting behind Kaidan, and Tali was wringing her hands like she always did. Kaidan wanted to ask, wanted _so badly_ for the question to slip before his anxiety got the better of him, but he couldn’t do anything but stand and watch Hackett’s form flicker. There was a sudden commotion in the War Room, and Kaidan turned to see the whole crew amassing behind him. His shoulders suddenly felt so darn heavy, the weight of so many people’s heart weighing down on him as he turned back to Hackett, took a deep breath, and asked.

“Any news on Shepard, sir?”

Silence encased the room, the crew collectively holding their breath as the transmission flickered and scattered for a few, agonising seconds before the connection reestablished. Kaidan was sure he was about to pass out, between the pulsing in his head and the tightness in his chest.

“One of the response crews found her amongst the rubble in London,” Hackett said matter-of-factly, and Kaidan felt something crack within him. Behind him, he heard Vega swear. “Wasn’t pretty, I’ll admit, and I was ready to put her in a body bag when I first saw her. But next day, I get a communication from the hospital saying a Miss Lawson had turned up at the place and refused to leave until she got access to Shepard. I let her in to do her thing.”

“So, Shepard’s alive?” Garrus snapped, mandibles flaring. Kaidan couldn’t move.

Hackett sighed. “By one fucking thread, but yes, Shepard’s alive. Lawson worked her magic and brought her back in mostly one piece.”

The flood gates all but collapsed around Kaidan as all the scattered pieces of his heart started crawling back into place. Cheering erupted behind him, Garrus picking Tali up and _hoisting_ her into the air, Vega howling like a fucking idiot on top of one of the storage crates and at the back of it all stood Joker, tears streaming down his face and leaning heavily against the nearby wall.

“Thank you, sir,” Kaidan managed to utter out as he caught himself against the console. Hackett smiled, said something Kaidan didn’t hear, and cut the channel.

Chaos had overcome the ship, life suddenly beating through her once-dead veins as everyone hugged and cheered and begun running around trying to figure out how quickly they could get groundside. Kaidan simply hunched over the silent monitor before him as his heart hammered within him. _Alive, alive, alive_. His vision was blurred by the tears pouring from him, nothing else in the galaxy registering besides the words “ _Shepard’s alive”_.

“Kaidan,” someone whispered. He lifted his gaze slightly to see Liara standing beside him with a hand on his shoulder, cheeks also wet. He hadn’t seen the asari smile so much in _months_. “Let’s go get her.”

“Yeah,” he whispered, voice cracking as his face split into a smile.

The journey back to London felt almost as long as the trip from whatever hellhole of a planet they’d crashed on had, the hours ticking by painfully slowly. Kaidan spent most of it in the cockpit, eyes watching Earth slowly materialise before him, surrounded for miles by rubble and dead Reapers. Shivers had wracked him when they’d passed their first Reaper, the hulking machine stuck in suspended animation until work crews had enough time and energy to bother clearing them away. If the guns had been operational, Kaidan was sure Garrus would have taken a few shots.

Joker hadn’t left his seat since the news had come, a newfound determination set in his jaw. Kaidan clapped him on the shoulder as he rushed back to the CIC to check on progress, and almost thought he caught the hint of a smile on the pilot’s face.

It wasn’t for another few hours until Kaidan was running through the hospital. The sound of screaming and crying echoed off the walls like a sick symphony, the smell of blood and death heavy in the air as he passed numerous bloodied bodies laid out throughout the corridors. Most of them were soldiers. All of them looked up from their suffering as the crew of the Normandy SR2 rushed past; perhaps later, the crew would comfort them or offer their aid, but their hearts were too distracted to pay the injured much mind.

Rounding the corner, Kaidan almost collided with Miranda where she lent against the wall. He hadn’t had much to do with the woman besides the mission to Horizon, but even he could tell her dishevelled hair and slouch was not customary. Garrus and Tali offered hellos, but Kaidan couldn’t take his eyes off the blood soaking her hospital gown.

“Took your time,” she said, words clipped with exhaustion. Her eyes discreetly followed Kaidan’s gaze and the look she gave him made his heart ache. “She’s down the hall, first room on the left. I wouldn’t suggest visitors, she’s . . . not good.”

She seemed to say that to Chakwas, but Kaidan wasn’t entirely sure because he was already moving, already running, already feeling his heart ready to erupt from his chest. The rest of the crew seemed to hang back as he ran, the pounding off his feet on the tiles the only sound besides his ragged breathing as the room came into view.

He supposed he should have prepared himself better for the sight of her considering what she’d endured, but the blood and bruising and desolate state of her body made bile rise in his throat almost instantly. He fought the urge to throw up in the middle of the corridor, instead turning to a pot plant a few metres away and filling it with what little food he’d managed to get down that morning. The gagging continued for a few moments before a familiar blue hand offered him a cloth, the other rubbing circles into his back until the only thing coming up was bile and spit.

“She’s ok,” Liara was whispering. “She’s alive. She’s going to be ok.”

Kaidan didn’t quite believe her.

He moved away from the plant and the stench of vomit to sit against the wall a bit down the corridor. Liara stayed with him. The rest of the crew stood by the glass for a while, the gasps and tears and swearing echoing down to Kaidan’s ears despite the way they all tried to keep quiet. The sun was setting outside – a deep red glow encasing the hospital – when Chakwas finally emerged and offered him a spot inside if he wished it.

“Go,” Liara said with a soft smile. “I’ll get you a coffee.”

Kaidan rubbed at his eyes. “Thanks, Liara.”

The lights in her room had been dimmed and some of the machines had been moved out of the way to allow better access to her bedside. Chakwas patted him on the shoulder before leaving herself, probably to get something to eat before returning. Miranda was hunched over a monitor by the bed, fingers typing too fast for his tired eyes to track, and hardly acknowledged him as he entered and stood frozen just inside the doorway for a moment. The other nurses and doctors he remembered seeing upon his arrival had vanished at some point. _For my benefit, or hers?_

He reluctantly took a seat in the chair that was conveniently positioned by her bed, and had to stop himself reaching for her hand. Her arm was covered in light bandages and he didn’t miss the makeshift attempt at a splint. Kaidan traced his fingers along her wrist as he whispered, “It was broken?”

It took Miranda a moment to realise he’d said something. “Yes. I’d cast it, but the burns need space to heal and she’s not going to be moving it any time soon.”

His attention then shifted to the wires attached to her other arm and neck. “Cybernetics?”

“They got fairly rattled,” Miranda said, attention still mostly on the monitor before her. “Thankfully her chest was mostly protected by her armour, but her extremities were basically fried. It’ll be a while until she walks or uses her arms when she wakes up.”

 _When_. Kaidan caught the dark-haired woman’s eyes across the bed.

“I know it looks bad,” Miranda sighed, turning to face him. “But she’ll make a full recovery. I can fix her cybernetics, given some time, resources and a lot of coffee and the burns will be fixed within the month. Most of the smaller injuries are already healed. The thing that’s going to take the longest is the leg, but she can get through that.”

Kaidan turned his attention down the bed and felt his stomach drop at the obvious dip in the sheets where half her left leg used to be. “When’s she going to wake up?”

She thought for a moment, frowning. “I want to try next week, but if it doesn’t go well I’d say within the next fortnight. It just depends on how well she deals with . . . all this,” she said, gesturing to her body. “She handled the first time relatively well, but her body was in mostly working condition back then. Now, there’s a bit more to get used to.”

Kaidan couldn’t help his curiosity. “Why are you here? Surely the Alliance wants you locked up?”

Miranda sighed heavily, running a hand across her brow. After a moment, she met his gaze. “She saved the galaxy, she saved my sister and she killed the Illusive Man. I owed it to her to try. Plus, Hackett knows he couldn’t touch me even if he tried.”

He almost smiled at that.

“Thank you,” Kaidan muttered, eyes on the severe bruising that covered most of Shepard’s face. “For saving her.”

Miranda gave him a small nod, the understanding in her eyes a comfort. Even if he did despise Cerberus, he owed Miranda for giving him back his heart twice now; he could move past his grievances to at least thank her for the effort.

She seemed to be content with their small conversation, eyes turning back to her monitor to give him some privacy. With a small sigh, Kaidan eventually worked up the courage to take Shepard’s hand in his own. Her skin was akin to ice, fingers raw with blisters and he tried to be as gentle as he could as he brought his lips to her battered skin.

“Please stop doing this,” he whispered to her skin, eyes closed. “I don’t need any more grey hairs.”

He imagined her smirking at him, maybe bumping her hip against his or raising her eyebrow at the scattering of greys he already had. He imagined her saying, in that voice of hers, _“But Alenko, they’re so fucking attractive.”_ He imagined himself kissing her to shut her up, maybe shoving her against the nearest wall if they were in private. He imagined the way she’d grind her hips against his, that smirk still playing at her lips as she kissed him raw. He imagined Noa, in his arms again, alive and warm and _his_.

 _Soon_ , he thought as he held her hand in his. He sat and watched the sky outside transform from black to pink to blue until it was morning and Miranda politely asked him to leave for a few hours so she could run some scans. He waited outside the entire time, not content to leave her side again.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry


End file.
